One of my objectives is re-booting this blog was to provide a place for people to be real. To provide an alternative look at real life - outside of the glossy Facebook posts and perfect Pinterest creations. So in order to do that, let me be real with you for a moment -
We are a blended family of six. Together we have four children - let me rephrase - four adolescents in our home at all times. The oldest is 13, the youngest 11; two boys, two girls; two genetically linked to me and two genetically linked to him. But as I tell the children (and myself) frequently, there is a reason God put us all together as a family. And that's important - because of days like today.
The oldest happens to be a boy and happens to be genetically linked to me. He's 13 and has recently blossomed into a very social kid. Here's a bit of background as to why this is important:
Growing up, I knew I'd be a really rockin' aunt. But I didn't want children of my own. Somewhere along the line, I was told that I would most likely NOT be able to have children of my own due to a "hostile uterus" (thank you Grey's Anatomy for making that a real thing). Then, I had a miscarriage. It was oddly devastating. I say that because I didn't even know I was pregnant until it happened.
But, I went on with life. My husband, who was in the military, was transferred to New York about that time. I landed a job at a Vet Clinic, made a really great Army Wife friend and life was really good. Then, after several weeks of being sick, I found out I was having morning sickness!
I went in and did all the preliminary new-pregnancy stuff. I was reminded again not to get too excited because of my previous miscarriage. Also, because when I started my new gig at the Vet Clinic, I had to get several vaccines done, including rabies. The doctors told me that usually the vaccine, given that early in the pregnancy, causes spontaneous miscarriages or other development complications. But it was too early to tell.
So there I sat - literally thousands of miles from home with a ticking time bomb in my belly and all I could do was sit. And wait. I vividly remember sitting in the floor of my shower that night just sobbing.
After about a month, I was far enough along they decided to try an ultrasound to check on the baby and get a more accurate read on how far along I was. And there he was - well, I didn't know he was he yet. It was still too early for that. But the technician had a heck of a time getting a good read because the baby would NOT sit still! He couldn't read the heart rate, couldn't get a measurement of length or weight. We must of sat and turned and pressed a million different ways until the guy gave up and just made the best guess he could and said we'd tray again - later.
There's so much more to the story, but here we are - now - smack dab in the middle of "later." As I sit, looking into the eyes of my now 13-year-old miracle baby boy. He's mad at me. Beyond mad. I've had to put my foot down with him (which doesn't happen often). He is suffering the most unbearable punishment for any 13-year-old in today's world - I've taken away his phone.
This was just supposed to be a short sentence. He didn't get out of bed in time and missed the bus. One of the consequences for such a thing is limited electronic usage. But, to make matters worse, he laid in bed until well past time to be up, especially since I have to wade through school traffic to get him there on time. So he got fussed at - again. In response he stomps into the kitchen, throws a plastic lunch container on to the counter, where it immediately bounces off a glass plate and crashing into my set of wine glasses next to the coffee pot. One is now crumpled on the counter in pieces.
Now, these are not especially expensive glasses or family heirlooms, but they were a Christmas gift from my husband. The broken glass just cost my son his phone for much longer than a day. Not only that - his computer. And now, instead of getting to go hang out with Nana at Sonic after school (a regular Friday treat), he would ride the bus home and clean the kitchen.
Dead silence. Cold stare. Ouch.
And sometimes we all experience that kind of anger toward someone. Unforgivable, unspeakable anger. And all we can do is glare coldly in their direction. I suppose the comfort there is that only those we really choose to let in can get under our skin that deep. It means we're still alive, even if the drone of everyday life seems to be sucking us dry. Even if it feels like we're all alone.
As we drive to school I tell him that although I realize he did not mean to break anything, there were still consequences for our choices and actions. And sometimes - many times - when we act out of anger we create more problems. If he had just gotten up, excepted the fact that he overslept and went about the business of getting ready for school instead of staying in bed for another hour, he would have gotten his phone back after school, gone to Nana's and that would have been it. Unfortunately, that was not the choice he made.
I tell him I love him even when he's mad at me, as he climbs out of the car. No response. Just closes the door and walks to the building. And admittedly it's hard for this mama to take.
I love all my children - don't get me wrong. They are each so very different from each other in their own unique and wonderful ways. Sometimes, we clash and butt heads, but really - for someone who thought they would never have children - God has blessed me with a wonderful bunch of little people.
But - my oldest and I have been through so much together. Most of it he has no memory of but I do. For so long it was just me and him. He didn't talk until he was 3 because - well, he didn't need to. Mom just knew. We co-slept; snuggled; hugged in public (up until the last year). He never hesitates to say I love you. And in a sea of blonde haired, blue eyed, extroverted family members, we are the only two brunettes with dark eyes rockin' in the introverted corner. Without him, I'd really be like an odd duck surrounded by water but no desire to swim.
Now before I have CPS knocking on my door worried about a co-dependent, parent-child relationship, I have fully embraced and acknowledged my role as a parent - to get my little fledgling ready to fly away from the nest - but that's a post for another time. For now, just now of the four children we have in our home, I homeschool three. My oldest still attends public school because I felt like he needed the structure more. Because we were so bonded, I knew I could not be an effective teacher to him. My younger three - well, again - that's a post for another time.
I wonder, how many times have my children witnessed me loosing my temper? Making a bad decision or just reacting without thinking about the consequences? Well - the honest answer is A LOT. I'm now sure we know each other well enough to get that real yet. Just know that I am 100% human!
But there's good news - for my son, for me, for you. The following verses will often provide me comfort. I hope they do the same for you.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
~Lamentations 3:22-23
For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus
~Romans 3:22-24
And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.
~John 8:11
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered and said to the king, “...If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, ... But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” Then Nebuchadnezzar was filled with fury, ... And he ordered some of the mighty men of his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace.
~Daniel 3:16-20(paraphrased)
So you see, there really is no use crying over broken wine glasses. We are all free to make choices. Sometimes they are good ones, sometimes not. But good or bad, we are not free of the consequence of our choices. However the grace and mercy of God is free, and unending. We are never alone. And thank the Lord for that!
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