My birthday was this week.
The day is almost always a contemplative one for me. If you had spoken to my 18-year-old self and
asked where I thought I’d be in 20 years, my honest reply would have been, “Dead.”
Up to that point in my life I had made some life choices
that weren’t conducive to a lot of years on this earth. That, coupled with some family health
histories, I truly believed that I wasn’t long for this world.
I certainly never would have imagined, if I did make it past
35, that I’d be a homeschooling mom of four, working as the director of a
non-profit, back in my hometown, and married for the second time. (Ok, I probably wouldn’t have been surprised
at the divorced/remarried bit. I was never good at relationships – or being
alone.)
I also tended to be a naturally morose child, but I’ve come
to appreciate that it probably stems from an artistic and driven spirit. So when my birthday rolls around each year,
it never fails that I wind up spending time reflecting – where am I at this
stage in my life, what have I done with the time I’ve been given so far, what
am I going to do with the time I have left?
This year has been particularly tough, however. I’m nearing one of those signpost years. You
know the ones – “By the time I’m
___ I’ll have XYZ under by belt
and moving on to ABC.” And as I take
time to reflect on where I am and where I’m reasonably headed, I must admit
that I am not even close. For some
things that’s good, but for others, not so much.
My project house that I started as a single mom headed back
to school is still a project house.
Seasons of Christmas, Easter, birthdays, and other family gatherings
have come and gone and I’ve not been able to truly host an event at home due to
the construction. As the kids get older,
sleepovers are a little more sensitive. It’s not enough to “camp out” in our
travel trailer. They’re embarrassed. They’d rather stay at their friend’s house
or see if Nana will let them crash there or just - not. So there goes being that mom – the cool mom,
with the fun house, where every kid wants to go after school. (Not that I
really had a chance at being that mom anyway because I have never been accused
of being “cool.”)
Oh sure I try to tell myself it’s ok because we’re spending
our time and money elsewhere – getting the farm up and running, taking care of
our kids, volunteering at the church, helping this organization or that
project. And that’s all true. But, I can still feel the pang of jealousy when I
visit my sister, see other families on the latest social media outlet, or see
that “look” from the kids when I suggest their friends spend the night at our
house this time.
Granted, we have four kids. One in football, one in
competitive dance, one in braces with a list of other needed orthodontic work,
and one with persistent health issues. Did I mention that three of the four
kids are teenagers? And two of those three are boys? Going to the grocery store and sticking to
any kind of budget feels a bit like dividing fish and loaves of bread among the
masses. And don’t get me started on thinking about college!
The day of my birthday, I was greeted with a notice from the
bank to transfer funds because the balance was a little low. (ok, the numbers
were highlighted in red.) Definitely not the situation I thought I’d be in at
this stage in my life.
I’m sure from the outside it looks like we have it all
together as a family. I was humbled not
too long ago when a fellow from our church said he could tell I was a Christian
just by the way I carried myself. I
wanted to cry – it was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said to
me. At the same time it was the
scariest.
To be perfectly honest, there are many MANY times I feel
like a fake. Beit, professionally,
personally, spiritually, you name it. It
feels like I’m strapped to the seat of life with Scotch tape, rocketing 1,000
MPH straight into the sun. At any minute, the tape will melt away and I’ll be
exposed as the fraud I am.
I’m resentful and angry towards my husband; I get impatient
with the kids; I get jealous of the gifts of others; I overspend; I disappoint
those who trust me; truly I could just keep going.
The truth of the matter is that we’re all failures, all
frauds, all fakes. None of us really have it together. Some of us are just so
experienced in holding it all in that it looks like we really have our act
together.
Of course, we don’t have a corner on the market:
“The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the
earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil
continually.” Genesis 6:5
“They have all fallen away; together they have become
corrupt; there is not who does good, not even one.” Psalm 53:3
“We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our
righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities,
like the wind, take us away.” Isaiah 64:6
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23
Ouch! What’s a girl to do? Throw her hands up and say, fine –
whatever. We’re all doomed anyway. Not so fast:
“For while we were still weak (sinners), at the right time
Christ died for the ungodly.” Romans 5:6
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for
good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
Yeah, we’re going to mess it all up. We’re going to disappoint
those around us, even ourselves. We’ll fail to live up to expectations. We’ll
tear down relationships and soak bridges in gasoline before we burn them down. The
question isn’t really, “What if I fail?”
It’s a statement, “When I do fail.”
But we continue the fight. We recognize that we’ve placed
ourselves as idols in our own life and we’ve focused on the worldly
distractions. And we hit our knees, pray for strength, grace, mercy, forgiveness,
and wisdom.
“He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly
of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians
12:9
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of
witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.” Hebrews 12:1
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